Being here and waiting with the heart of God
Being here is so much harder than it seems. Last week, I washome with the kids while my husband was with his family at a memorialcelebration and a friend was being ordained. I was longing to be in all threeplaces, trusting I was in the right one, and holding them all in my heart atonce. I was practicing being here, knowing in my head that here is always asgood a place as any to hold people close and far away. And still, knowing thisdoesn’t make living it easy.
When I posted about being here on social media, a friendposted in response: Hearts are so so much bigger than places. He is soright. My heart could sort through back packs and listen to competing storiesover pizza, let an ordination live stream in the background and facetime withDad. I felt connected to all the people and deeply satisfied with being here inone.
And still I am waiting. Our house is on the market and we are waiting hopefully for the right buyer. I’m working diligently on my part in some healing work. Summer is around the corner and I am waiting to see how it plays out this year, between work and kids. I feel unsettling in the here that is my life right now. It has taken me awhile to see that the waiting and the being here are connected.
For so much of my life, I have been able to chase what Iwant with effort, hard work, and good luck. Learning has been easy for me.Accomplishing goals feeds my adrenalin. The opportunities afforded to me havebeen so much more than I ever could have imagined. All this has amounted toextraordinary privilege, and I am both grateful for these gifts and trying toextend them to others. At the very same time, it has left me profoundly unpracticedat the kinds of living where doing is ineffective.
No amount of cleaning will bring a buyer. My efforts injournaling, counselling, and meditation cannot force my heart to heal. Planningthe summer to death will not ease my anxiety about how to be what my kids need.So much of God’s work for me in this season is being fully here, moment bymoment. Four kids, a spouse, and a full-time job should be more than enough to confirmfor me that there will never be enough of me to do all the things that need toget done, but somehow I forget – multiple times a day.
The most important things in my life right now – andprobably always – require me to wait with the heart of God. And I am completelyfed up with God’s timing. As usual, my irritation is a sign of mymisunderstanding. Where I long for a God who gets things done, I worship a Godwho loves being with me wherever I am. God is moving, to be sure, but mostly bybeing moved by love itself.
Rather than manipulating the market, I feel God moving inthe house, shifting our hearts and imaginations slowly. Instead of neatlywrapping up the issues as they present themselves, God seems to be settlinginto the cracks in my heart and making space there. Where I want a clear andperfect plan, I keep hearing laughter in the gaps. There is a Being holding allmy failing efforts with gentleness.
God’s heart is so, so much bigger than the place(s) I amright now. No amount of doing will force resolution, but it makes meextraordinarily tired. Go figure. So I am practicing being here, waiting withthe heart of God.
Right in the middle of the evening in three places, we spent20 minutes at the spray park. My littlest is resisting walking, preferring anadorable and surprisingly fast butt scoot that had an elderly man across thepark belly laughing on a park bench. As we left, my heart was filled with joyas Atticus waved goodbye to the man across the park. Being here is a completemiracle, actually.